All the world's a stage, and I have stage fright!!
Surprising as it may seem to
some of you, I suffer from glossophobia (albeit a mild version, I think). For
those of you who are scratching their heads or opening a new browser tab to
check the meaning of the word, glossophobia is the fear of public speaking. I
think that’s one of the reasons I have taken up writing – it gives me the sense
of satisfaction that I am getting my thoughts across to more than a handful of
people (though, ironically, that’s exactly how you could describe the number of
readers I have, but that’s besides the point), with the comfort of doing so in
privacy, and without the fear of soiling myself. In any case, I have proven
once again that I am as common a person as one can be – in one of his stand up
acts, Jerry Seinfeld mentions how in a survey, the fear of public speaking was
voted the greatest fear, surpassing even death (which came in at number two).
At one point of time, I was
required to do a speech on derivatives at college. It was at that time that I
had to face my great fear. I looked up various suggested techniques to overcome
the fear of public speaking. Among the regular, boring suggestions like
rehearsing in front of a mirror, visualizing a standing ovation, and repeating
your speech over and over again; I came across a hidden gem – imagine your
audience in their underwear! The rationale behind this was logical enough –
mostly the fear of public speaking is an extension of the underlying fear of
being ridiculed. So if you were to imagine your target audience in a
compromising situation, rather than them holding rotten eggs and tomatoes aimed
at you, you would be more confident and less likely to mess up.
As some of you may have
guessed by now, things didn’t work out too well. In hindsight, I am not really
surprised. I mean, really, have you ever been terrified and aroused at the same
time? Actually, no need to answer that. That’s how most horror and slasher
movies work. Anyway, things got messed up pretty much the moment I got on stage
and reached the podium. One look at the audience and I panicked. “Remember;
just imagine the audience in their underwear.” As I looked up from my notes to
the audience, my mind went blank. The crowded auditorium looked like the set of
the biggest orgy. Given my only experience with women’s underwear were the
innumerable porn movies I had seen, all I could see was lacy underwear,
stockings and in some cases, really high heels. Of course, I was simultaneously
grossed out by the sea of semi-nude dudes – it didn’t help that in most cases,
girls tend to sit with their legs crossed while the guys spreads their legs
wide while sitting. My mind was scrambled with all the conflicting emotions
going on.
Needless to say, my speech
was one to remember, for all the wrong reasons. I stammered and stuttered
through the opening sentences, trying desperately to erase images from my head,
and get through the notes I had prepared. I was way beyond the point of trying
to maintain eye contact with the audience (I didn’t even dare to look anywhere
in the general direction of straight), checking my voice modulation, or any of
the other million things you need to be careful about during a speech. “Umm..
uhhh.. I… uhhh…” – I was so confused; I was making more noises than Kristen
Stewart in the Twilight movie. And that was not even the worst part. Every time
I got to the words “exotic derivatives”, I ended by saying “erotic
derivatives”. After many more mistakes, including “securitization” becoming
“screw-tization” and “organization” turning into “orgy-nization”, I got to the
part of the speech where I thanked the audience for their patience. As I moved
away from the podium, the audience, who were upto this point muttering their
disapproval of my speech, or discussing the sorry state of affairs of our
nation’s economy, suddenly stopped and let out a collective gasp. It took me
the entire, slow walk away from the stage to realize what had happened – as I
moved away from the podium, the audience got to see that I was pitching a
tent.. in my pants.
I guess this could be called
a life-changing event. I am still trying to break the code to become a
confident orator. And there are many more equally innovative, infinitely less
risky techniques out there. For example, the standup comedian late Mitch Hedberg
used to wear sunglasses during his performances as he suffered from stage
fright. Hopefully, some innovative technique like this one should help me out
as well. Meanwhile, I am also doing the occasional search for how to hide a
boner in public – just in case.